Are your "whities" tighty?

April 29, 2016 Michael Gaines

I am sitting here watching the Victoria’s Secret fashion show and thinking about those tiny pieces of silk and what a big impact they can have.

For Christmas, give yourself some great new undies. Ok, not as glamorous as something from Cartier (if you are a woman) or an 80 inch flat panel (if you are a man) but splurge on the good stuff! ! Think silk, lace, satin, ribbons, and some colors, tiger stripes, even leather!!!

I am sure you can use a new bra; studies show up to 70% of women are wearing the wrong size. Even though, I am not fond of chain stores, every town now seems to have a Vicky’s Secret, so head there and get measured. Even better, if you travel, there are independent lingerie boutiques in the bigger cities that have really fabulous stuff. You are worth it.

Here are the often-heard excuses not to buy a new bra:

“I just spent $30K on a complete chest overhaul and I am going to show ‘em off!” Well dear, unless there is a surgeon that has devised a way to make titanium ta-tas rather than silicone or saline, they are still going to jiggle, sway or sag without some external support. Don’t believe me? Put on a pair of heels then carry two jello molds on a tray across the room. Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle…

“I’m not really well endowed, so it really doesn’t matter.” Umm, yes it does. Most women tend to think their hips are bigger and the bosom is smaller than they really are. Even if you can shop in the pre-teen department; the right bra will do wonders. It will enhance, shift, shape what you do have and can give an illusion of cleavage. Plus, there is nothing wrong with a little padding in the cup. It is like going from a Smart car to driving a Rolls Royce!

“I’m a feminist and a free spirit, I burned my bra in 1971.” Sweetums, if you had breasts in ’71, I can assure you, they are in different place than they were then. Time marches on, the ligaments stretch and suddenly you have “furniture disease” – your chest has fallen into your drawers. Clothing has seaming, darts and additional fabric in the chest area. If your chest is not in line with that fabric, it starts to resemble a soufflé that fell. It may still taste good, but doesn’t look appetizing. Last thought, obvious nipples tend to say “pole dancer” rather than “CEO.”

“I have had a mastectomy and no longer a “real” woman, I’m not sexy. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! You have been to hell and back and survived, that has made you a super woman! Sexy comes from inside, from confidence, not from appendages. There are bras and prosthesis that are made just for heroic, vibrant sexy women like you!

Having been backstage at a ton of fashion shows, I have seen everyone from professional models to grandmothers in their “dainties” and am always amazed at who wears what. I have seen 70-somethings in zebra stripes and 20-somethings in cotton granny panties. Please, please, please, no matter your age and body type, PUT DOWN THE BAGGY COTTON GRANNY PANTIES…unless, of course you are looking for the ultimate birth control. No one looks good wearing something that resembles a diaper!

Thongs, ok who the hell came up with this idea? The Marquis de Sade? Torquemada? Caligula? Some string and a patch or a pouch (if you are a man). It is like a permanent, self-inflicted wedgie. I put one on once and am still looking for the damn thing. Butt floss ain’t comfortable on a man or a woman.

And speaking of men, you are not exempt from this either. You need some new “drawers” too, and not something that comes in a three pack at Wal-mart!

For heaven’s sake, if your underwear has any ironic saying, cartoon character, or a holiday theme, you are obviously single, celibate and always will be. The only writing that should ever be on your underwear is Calvin Klein, 2xist, Under Armour, King & Jaxs, Spanx (yes, they make men’s Spanx), etc.

Baggy boxers, really? Remember the paragraph about granny panties, birth control and diapers??? The same applies here.

Tighty-whities, AKA briefs, there is an emphasis on tight and white here. Do yours bag, droop and slide down when you pants are off and bunch up when they are on? We can tell. Yes, men can have “VPL” (visible panty line) under those chinos. And for heavens sake, if they were white but now resemble any other color, put on a pair of rubber gloves and HAZMAT suit and get rid of the damn things! Do you really want to store the “family jewels” in a biohazard????

Jock straps say “I am He Man”, “I am athletic”, “I think I have an ass that looks like it was carved by Michelangelo!” Well if you are like me and have not been to gym in years, they just say, “I’m trying too hard and in some serious denial.” Since jock straps are “business in the front; party in the back” heaven forbid, that chili and beer lunch decides to make itself known before you get to the loo! Wouldn’t you prefer at least “a little something” between you and those light colored khakis?

Boxer briefs are by far the most practical and attractive undies for the average man. They cradle what they are supposed to, do not flap around the legs, and cover your non-Michelangelo “assets”. Unlike regular boxers, they don’t bundle up when you pull up your pants or briefs that can look a bit like a little boy. There isn’t a man alive that wants to have that part of his anatomy compared to a “little boy!” They were cute when you were 5, but now you are ready for some big boy britches!

In conclusion, while you are out trying to find that perfect gift, buy yourself a little something sexy, that makes you feel good, and will not elicit giggles from your significant other when you “slip into something a little more comfortable.” No one else will know, but you will walk taller, strut a bit, and smile. You are worth it.

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