Musings on retirement

April 29, 2016 Michael Gaines

Was chatting with a friend of mine today (we shall call him “P” to protect the guilty) who is beginning to think about retirement from his job in management. “P” stated that after he retires, he wants to work part time at Walmart as a door greeter.

The first thing that goes thru my mind is “are you f-ing high?” Lets just say that “P’s” patience and milk of human kindness dried up sometime during the Reagan administration. How the hell is this man going to smile and make nice to the average Wal-martian?

As “P” continues to expound on this idea, everything became clear. He plans to stand there and utter such bon motes as “Welcome to Walmart, WTF are you wearing?”, “Do you not own anything with a reflective surface?”, “Who told you 300 lbs looks good in leopard spandex?”, “Please tell me you are a drug addict or legally blind so there is a reason you look like that” and “Do you realize there is a site called ‘’; you can be their spokesperson? (OK, my bitchy side came out and I added a few suggestions.)

As I finish spewing bourbon thru my nose at his comments, I decide this would be a fabulous job! Let’s face it; people dress that poorly, they are obviously too obtuse to grasp what he is saying. He may only have the job for a few hours but it will give him a lifetime worth of cocktail party anecdotes.

A couple thoughts in closing:
To the Wal-martians – Yes, you may be anonymous but you are not invisible! You have the right to wear anything you want but “P” and I reserve the right to laugh our collective asses off!
To “P” - Please remember to get pictures!


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