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Can mimosas count as a juice cleanse???

January 15, 2018 Michael Gaines

Just saw something about doing a "juice cleanse" that brought back some memories.  A former boyfriend suggested we do a juice cleanse.  My response was "Mimosas, sure thing!"  Not what he meant, thou he finally talked me into trying this (translation: bugged the shit out me till I did).  He stated "you'll lose 10lbs in a week!"  Yeah big deal,  that's like throwing a couple deck chairs off the Titanic.  It was doomed from the start as only "green" things I like are money & emeralds.

After buying all the components, my comment pointing out it would have been cheaper to buy champers & caviar (ok, maybe not Beluga but definitely Sevruga)  was NOT well received.  After he ran things best left on a compost pile thru a machine that probably cost as much as a car in 1977, the output was definitely not appetizing.  Looked like Kermit the Frog & pond scum had been run thru a blender and the smell was about the same.  I knew when I was in for it when I was told to "hold your breath & gulp it down like huge Jager shot" (Jagermeister & I have not had a good relationship since a certain weekend in '93, btw).  All I think is "Lord, please don't let me puke on the counter-top".  Well it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...it was much, much worse!  Even a big swig of vodka wouldn't make the taste go away.

That night the "cleanse" part kicked in.  I swear everything I had ever eaten (plus some things I had yet to eat in the future) came rushing out (repetitively) accompanied by aromas that peeled paint. To paraphrase Sunset Blvd "I'm ready for my colonoscopy now, Mr. Demille! " Come morning, Johnny Cash's song "Burning Ring of Fire" took on a whole new meaning in addition to adding many metric tons of methane to the atmosphere.  The then BF's comment "Don't you feel better?" was NOT happily received in that moment so trapped him under the covers with my next methane blast...and..the relationship deteriorated from there.

Years later, I am still single, short, still fat, furry, 40++, pretty fabulous and have yet to ever consider another juice cleanse. I do get my greens though, cows eat grass, I eat T-bones.  Oh, waiter, I'll have another mimosa, please.

 



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