Is that ice in your undies or are just happy to see me?

June 19, 2018 Michael Gaines

Yankees like to make fun of how we Southerners are "slow."  We speak slowly, walk slowly & are slow to adapt new things.  Well Darlin' have you ever spent a summer in the South???

From May till October, with temps above 95 & approx. 167% humidity, there is NO reason to get in a hurry, it can be fatal!  if you don't believe me, traipse your Yankee ass into a sauna, do some aerobics & recite Shakespeare then get into a parked car with an interior temp just shy of lava and let's see how fast you are, Bubba!  (Helpful hint: Keep a defibrillator, fire extinguisher & sweet teat handy.)

If you don't shuffle down here, along, you will melt into a pool of goo.  Considering our penchant for friend foods, starch & high cholesterol, the sun will ignite those fatty pools of goo into a regional wildfire that will look like Sherman's march all over again.

Aside from moving "slow", we do a lot of things to keep cool - drink sweet tea by the tanker load, use ice by the ton, find any source of water to immerse ourselves, perform practically illegal/immoral acts in front of oscillating fans, create some awful summer fashions (crop/tube tops in 3XL) and light candles to Saint Wallis Carrier, the inventor of air conditioning.

As oppressive as a Southern summer can be, there are a few perks.

The heat/humidity steams out wrinkles and our fat content means we are "self-basting" with skin that remains smooth & tender till age 100, provided our diet & dumb redneck shit doesn't kill us first. (Floridian sun worshipers excepted, Florida is really just part of Long Island that broke off & floated down).  We save thousands of dollars on moisturizers, anti-aging creams, Botox & "procedures."  Instead, we step outside and the wrinkles just fall out!!!  Not only do we get to keep our facial expressions, we take the money saved to buy summer houses in Maine or up our home AC power to near cryogenic levels.  Who need Freon when you can get liquid nitrogen!

It gave the world NASCAR.  Sure the story is the sport was invented by back-road bootleggers but my theory is those good ol' boys were just driving fast to cool off.  Being the enterprising sort, the bootlegging profits were to pay for the gas.  In Dixie, we do love a win/win situation!

Going to Hell will be a smidgen less uncomfortable for Southerners than Yankees.  Just thing, we can finally smugly state Well, at least it's a dry heat."  Having been recently told I was going to hell, my response was "Well, Ma'am, at least it will be cooler than here and I'll save you a seat...right next to my throne!"

Hot & humid hugs to all


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